May 12, 2005

I'm really depressed right now. I don't know why though. I mean, I guess I know why. I've got some much going on and I'm getting burned out it seems with school and work, and other situations aren't going so well in my life and it's really got me down. I have several areas I need to work on, and several areas that I have no control over but they have control over me. I have certain hopes and dreams for my life right now, but nothing is happening to even come close to them. I can't even have the little things I want. Money doesn't make you happy. When my promotion goes into effect starting this Monday (hopefully), I'll be making $13.21/hr. That's not bad for part time work in college and having full benefits. Money will not make you happy. I don't feel loved like I want to. I'm so lonely. I always feel alone. One minute I want to be in a relationship and mean something to someone, and the next minute it's like I feel as though it will never happen. I really can't put into words right now how I feel, but it's a mixture of anger, depression, jealousy, nervousness, panic, weariness, puzzled, perplexed, and fed up. It's almost impossible to find a decent girl these days. There are only about 3 at my church, a church with 14,000 females. I really just feel like Im going to cry right now. There are tears in my eyes but they aren't going anywhere. My whole life I've been searching for that one person. I don't want her to be perfect, it is our imperfections that make us who we are. I'm working very hard to prepare for my life, but I'm burning the candle at both ends and in the middle. I want a change. I want to change my life around, and I want to change everyone else. Nobody understands me, no one sees me the way I am. People always see the "weird" in me. I can't help it that I'm different, but everwhere I go people make fun of me or treat me different because I have those subtle differences that you see when you get to know me. Church, school, work; it's all the same, people have the same reactions. I've become irritable, and I don't want to me. People make me mad over the stupidest things, and a good deal of people merely antagonize me and make fun of me. Even people who are supposed to be my good, close friends do it. People that I care about so incredibly much have hurt me so incredibly much, but I keep it all inside. Every little thing someone says, I take it to heart. It affects me. It hurts me. I see so many flaws in myself. Several people make me feel so inferior. I can think of a half-dozen or so right now off the top of my head. The tears are coming out now. I just feel so alone. I wish I had a companion. I wish certain people could understand how I feel. It's just so weird to see all these things in life, and know that you can't have them. I'm waiting on God, but it hurts so much. There are plenty of people out there I could be dating, but I know it wouldn't work and so I refuse to get involved. in doing so though, I've remained single for the last 2 years. There's no way to understand what it's like until you've been in what you thought was a meaningful relationship and then it ended. After experiencing just a small taste of the joys of companionship, it makes you wonder how you could even live without it. Why is it that by being patient, it's practically killing me everytime I put on a face, but everyone else seems happy. I'm the Christian, aren't I supposed to have joy without ceasing? What is missing from my life that is keeping it out? I wish there was a way to take one person and to put them into my mind for just a day or two, and let them see what my life is like. I see things so much differently that anyone else.

wrote this at 12:19 am
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Feb 3, 2005

I don't want to break down.

wrote this at 09:47 pm
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Jan 15, 2005
I am compelled to write

What a stupid night. People can be such jerks. People who don't do what they say they will. I'm thinking about doing something I know I shouldn't. I've prayed about it, and right now though, I have no desire to. Part of me says to go ahead though. It's just bad habit, and I'm breaking it. I'm trying to break several habits actually. I don't necessarily see them as detrimental, but as a whole, I think they are, but only from an omniscient persective. 'One is the lonliest number. Two, can be as bad as one, it's the lonliest number since the number one.' I"m home tonight doing nothing. My brother is in his room doing whatever it is that he does. I'm so scraed sometimes. I have all these strange visions and stuff that something bad is going to happen to someone I love, and it just scares me so bad. Everytime I have one, I pray to God that it can never happen, but I'm so scared that He's going to take someone I love again. Ashley was enough, I don't want to have to go through that again. I'm still not over Ashley's death. Since I had met her, I always thought that she was going to be the girl I was going to marry. No matter who we dated, there was always something there that brought us together, but we never dated. I wish we had. About two months before she died, we had gone out to eat and we were talking, and I brought up the issue of dating. She loosely said that it wasn't the time. From what I can tell, she didn't feel like she was worthy to be with me or something because of her past. That wasn't an issue with me, but it was with her. After that I never brought up the issue again. I think about her too much. All day at work, she pops into my mind. I never think about "what could have happened", or what she "would have grown up to be" had she lived. I can't look at it that way, because I know that there was no plan for her to grow up. God plans out the way life turns for us, but He never planned for anything for Ashley after October 8th, 2004. Beyond there, there was nothing. There is no one that she "would have married", and there is nothing that she "would have grown up to be".

wrote this at 11:30 pm
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Dec 19, 2004

Well, apparently I'm a complete and utter idiot.

wrote this at 11:19 pm
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Dec 17, 2004
Multiple views

A really good friend of mine and I went out and spent some time talking about life goals and our futures and raising families. It was a good time, although it did make me more perplexed about some things. Do you adhere to the belief that there is one person out there for everybody? Or do you believe that there is more than one person out there that could be the one for you? Where in the Bible does it say there is one woman for every man and one man for every woman? We get a choice. We can be with whomever we want to be with and still make it work out and still be happy. Hello, has anyone ever heard of free will? That means we get to make all of our decisions. Now, if you go out to a bar and meet some girl who gets around like a record and is a devil worshipper, obviously itís not Godís will for you to be with her. But what happens when you find 3 girls at your church that have the qualities that you want in a Godly wife? You can fall in love with whomever you want. You make a choice, itís not necessarily God just dropping them in your lap. You actually have to work at it. Thatís one of the things I donít like about FBC, the fact that they want to make you believe that if you are living for God, Heís going to just drop everything right in your lap so you should never pursue anything, just wait. You wait and wait and wait, and finally Godís like, ďHere, if this isnít obvious enough, Iím going to quit until you come to your senses.Ē For real, I wouldnít be surprised if He was. The scary part is the fact that I am old enough to get married. If I could find the kind of girl I want, I could easily marry her. That is such a scary thought. Itís all a matter of me choosing one. Hmmm, I think Iíll wait on that one. Iím watching a lot of different girls right now to see what kind of person they are. Who knows.

wrote this at 07:44 am
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Dec 6, 2004
Failing in the fight for my fidelity

The paranoia is suffocating. Gripping the edge of the pew beneath me, Iím rocking on that edge. Happy sappy singing is straight ahead. I wasnít where I wanted to be, but I was closer. The closer I am, the stronger the chokehold gets. The more I see of the prize, the more I want it. It has a mind of its own. I scared that mind. Thereís too much strength in all of it. It is a hegemony that even I have succumbed to. Iím gaining speed on a stage that I canít circumvent. Plowing through and forging ahead will get me killed. We canít have that, now can we? Patience is not my virtue. If this were a solar system, Iíd be out of orbit, or at least orbiting the wrong star. There is a guardian system protecting the prize. Loosely speaking, itís nothing but a phantasmagoria to hide something that is a lot further down. There is an emotional tone to being in pursuit of anything, and the current situation is no different. Everything was once simple. With age comes complication. The next step for me would be huge. Iím far too diffident to make that leap just yet. Work, work, work. Just like the happy singing. It takes work. If there was a way to enforce a diapause on the whole situation, I could focus on my schooling, my job, and other things. Iíd have no worries over it. Thereís a deep struggle on all the playing fields today, except for one. Our adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, seeks to devour me. ďHe canít have me.Ē I say that now, but donít we all give over to him on a daily basis? I donít think a day goes by where I donít slip and fall. We all fail in the fight for our fidelity.

wrote this at 07:19 am
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Nov 26, 2004
Look mommy! Another clone!

Michellie hates me still. Angeline is getting better about it, and now Caitlin has become not-so-nice-anymore. I actually warned her about becoming like someone else, a whole group of people actually, and I was assured by her that she would never turn into that. Well, in the last 3 weeks she has changed for the worse, and now, she has become what she said she wouldnít. Thereís no excuse. The things she complained about in life, she now embraces them. I am reminded of Proverbs 26:11, ďLike a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool that repeats his folly.Ē You can make a mistake and learn from it, or you can go back and back again to it. Sheís wanted to be something she knew she shouldnít be a part of. Itís true when they say forbidden fruit is always more tempting. Cait certain fulfilled that. Now, she is just like the others. She doesnít understand how much damage she did to something she had worked on for a long time. She destroyed my image of her. Instead of being on a pedestal anymore, she has now sunk back down into the muck of the predictable, cookie-cutter girls. It doesnít take much to be different and set apart. As Christians, we are called to it. And so, Iím not going to make an effort to contact her anymore. I donít think Iím going to talk to her at work anymore. She dropped that much. In doing what sheís done, she just re-proved and re-enforced everything Iíve been telling her about what I see in people. The sad part is that she spent her time trying to be different and show the world that thereís something better out there, then she goes and changes her life into something different. Apparently she never got the memo (in the Bible) on sanctification (being set apart).

In the past, this post would have been out of anger and pain, but now itís not. Itís concern, and a big I-TOLD-YOU-SO. Months ago I predicted what was going to happen, and I was right. It happened. Iím not psychic, but I see things in people that show me what kind of person they are and what they could become. Some people are harder to predict, but people like Cait are prominent. I canít say Iím taken aback in any way though, I was expecting everything that has happened these last few weeks. If anything, Iím just slightly disappointed in the fact that she turned herself into a clone of the others.

Thereís something out there that people always think that they need, and they donít. Everyone wants more than what they have. They find something they want, and they desire it, and they crave it, and they seek it for months, while all along ignoring the warning signs. Finally, sometimes God goes ahead and lets them have what they want because He knows thatís the only way to get their attention.

wrote this at 07:11 am
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Nov 14, 2004
When and where

I ask myself, when will I tell her how I feel? When will I finally work up the courage to tell her? I know it's pointless, and I think that is the only thing holding me back. I don't have a problem telling someone how I feel, and yet in this particular instance, I strangely am unable to find the words to share my feelings with her. I treasure what little I do have with her. I don't want to desecrate the fragile bonds we hold onto. I've noticed that sharing feelings with a girl causes one of two things to happen. She'll either share the feelings, or she will hate me and turn into a jerk and avoid me like the plague. I could tell her and pray for the best, however, I donít think this particular instant will result in returned feelings.

wrote this at 12:25 am
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Nov 13, 2004
Curve balls

Life throws you more curve balls than the guy who set the word record for most curve balls thrown. If you find something that you want. life will do whatever ti can to make thigns difficult for you. Opposition is placed in front of you to stop you. Forget the whole "making you stronger" ideology that people like to adopt. Life doesn't have to alwasy be about making yourself stronger. Some things shoudl just come easier than others, and the things you crave and desire the most should not always evade you. Forget the whole attitude about how you will "appreciate" it more. Maybe I don't care about that. It doesn't need to be like that for everything, does it? Not everything needs to be some big, difficult, daunting life lesson. I must rather prefer a great number of simplistic situations, situations in which the outcome and decisions are more easy made and carried out. Sometimes, it's difficult to try to make people see you for who you are. It's not easy to change who you were and to also change how people view you. You can search for things for years and never find them. They can be in front of you, and you can never reach out and grasp them. Merely a slight breeze as they pass by is all you will ever get. Brutal honesty is not the way. Acting out of anger is not the way. Anger seems to stem from a deeper caring and stronger feelings and emotions. It is so easy to be hurt by the innocent actions of the one you care about the most. It's easy to read into situations and actions. Maybe I wasn't meant to read into it so much. Maybe I wasn't meant to read into it at all.

wrote this at 01:24 am
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Oct 24, 2004
Seeing red

I hate myself. I hate what I am. Ignoring what I have and what I've accomplished, I just flat-out don't like myself. Why don't I like myself? BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE DON'T EITHER. I'm tired of being the badguy in everything. I'm tired of coming out of situations with all the garbage on my reputation. People believe liars over me. And then there are the people who try to walk over me, and I won't stand for it. And when I stand up for myself, they try to make me the badguy. These people call themselves Christians. They lie to my face. They totally disrespect their God-given authority. They try to walk over me when they are wrong. Why do people try to defend themselves when they and everyone else know they are wrong? It's not fair how they pull it off. Girls get away with so much junk too. But this is not a girl-ranting post. I don't want to offend anyone. So for any of those who ever wonder why I might hate myself, it's because of you. Because of the insensitive, selfish, hateful, ungodly things you do to me and then try to flash your self-proclaimed Christianity in everyone else's face. Also, I'm sick of your stupid excuses. You liars. Don't try to play me, and don't try to play my friend. Just grow up and become a godly person.

wrote this at 07:49 pm
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